Things Only a Republican Could Believe

I haven’t blogged much about US pol­i­tics in a while, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been fol­low­ing the farce that is the cur­rent debate about ‘Death Pan­els’, Obama’s birth cer­tifi­cate, Con­spir­a­cies about the sub­ver­sive art­work around Rock­e­feller Cen­ter and other inanities.

I saw this on reddit.com, and would nor­mally merely link to it, but it’s so spot-on that I just had to include it here. Sure, it’s got some rude words and is a bit angry, but these days, so are a lot of us:

So, y’all remem­ber that email that went around years ago called “Things Only a Repub­li­can Could Believe”? I’m pretty sure there was a Demo­c­ra­tic vari­ant as well. Well, I’ve put together a new and updated list and wanted to run it by you. Please feel free to add to it or offer corrections\comments. If you like it — email it out to your spam­ming list. I’m hop­ing for a bit of a viral effect to get it cir­cu­lat­ing. Satire is an effec­tive weapon against craziness!

I make no apolo­gies if you con­sider your­self a Repub­li­can. I am a reg­is­tered Inde­pen­dent and have voted Repub­li­can at var­i­ous lev­els of gov­ern­ment, but the cur­rent crop of Repub­li­cans at the national level are off the reser­va­tion. To call them bat shit crazy would be an insult to bat shit.

  • Par­ents who don’t want their chil­dren to pray in school are Anti-American zealots — par­ents who don’t want their chil­dren to lis­ten to a speech by the Pres­i­dent of the United States telling them to work hard and get good grades are noble patriots.
  • Peace­fully demon­strat­ing against the coun­try start­ing an inter­na­tional war is trea­son — show­ing up with auto­matic weapons to protest health­care reform is democ­racy at its finest.
  • Any gov­ern­ment offi­cial with a desk job should have every action scru­ti­nized — any gov­ern­ment offi­cial with a badge and a gun should never be ques­tioned or dis­re­spected. At all. Ever.
  • Ques­tion­ing the legit­i­macy of an elec­tion because the “win­ner” was selected by the Supreme Court is sour grapes — ques­tion­ing the legit­i­macy of an elec­tion because the win­ner (by the largest num­ber of votes in Amer­i­can his­tory) is really a Kenyan born Mus­lim despite all evi­dence to the con­trary is being a vig­i­lant American.
  • Lying about a blowjob is an impeach­able offense — lying about a war is no big deal, really.
  • Inves­ti­gat­ing a shady land deal involv­ing the First Lady is a mat­ter of National Iden­tity — inves­ti­gat­ing the use of tor­ture at the direc­tion of the Exec­u­tive Branch is a par­ti­san witch hunt.
  • Exe­cut­ing Japan­ese offi­cers for water­board­ing pris­on­ers dur­ing WWII shows that we have the moral high-ground on human rights — water­board­ing (our own) pris­on­ers of our shows that we have the moral high ground on human rights.
  • Sit­ting two rows in front of Jane Fonda in a 1970 anti-war rally is an OUTRAGE!  Shak­ing Saddam’s hand in 1983…meh, not so much.
  • Any­one who ques­tions the pres­i­dent dur­ing a time of war is giv­ing aide and com­fort to the enemy and should be deported…unless the pres­i­dent in ques­tion has a (D) next to their name in which case you should under­mine them at every turn even if you have to rou­tinely make shit up to do it.
  • Social­ism, Marx­ism, Com­mu­nism and Fas­cism are all inter­change­able words that mean pretty much the same thing.
  • Any­one who abuses drugs should be locked up indefinitely…unless they are a pop­u­lar Repub­li­can radio host in which case they need your prayers as they recover from the ill­ness of addiction.
  • Health Insur­ance com­pa­nies have your best inter­ests in mind and any­one who thinks oth­er­wise is try­ing to turn Amer­ica into the God­less hea­then nation of Swe­den where every­one in the coun­try dies (eventually).
  • Obama is an athe­ist com­mu­nist mus­lim who attended a rad­i­cal chris­t­ian church.
  • Believ­ing that human activ­ity could impact the global envi­ron­ment is crazy talk — believ­ing that an invis­i­ble man in the sky per­son­ally told George Bush to invade Iraq to ful­fill Bib­li­cal prophecy is log­i­cally sound.
  • The ver­dict is still out on evo­lu­tion — but Jesus Christ return­ing in our life­times is a pretty much a given.
  • The media are unques­tion­ably biased against Repub­li­cans — Talk Radio, The Wash­ing­ton Times, The Weekly Stan­dard, The Wall Street Jour­nal, Rightwing Blogs, Fox News and News­Corp are not part of the media.
  • The gov­ern­ment should have no part in reg­u­lat­ing multi­na­tional cor­po­ra­tions as they make deci­sions that impact the lives of mil­lions of peo­ple — gov­ern­ment should reg­u­late indi­vid­u­als by deter­min­ing who they can marry, what kind of inter­course they can have, what they can smoke, how to man­age their preg­nancy and how to pro­ceed with end of life decisions.
  • Com­mu­ni­cat­ing with hos­tile nations is a stab in the back to our great nation — Rea­gan com­mu­ni­cat­ing with the USSR dur­ing the Cold War was Polit­i­cal Genius.
  • Iran is a mor­tal threat to our nation and any­one who attempts to talk to them is trai­tor­ous scum — sell­ing weapons to Iran and then fun­nel­ing the money to start wars in South Amer­ica is clearly in our National interest.
  • George Bush kept the nation safe after 9–11 (NOTE: the Anthrax attacks, the DC Sniper and Hur­ri­cane Kat­rina don’t count. Also, the fact that 9–11 hap­pened on his watch despite receiv­ing a secu­rity brief­ing specif­i­cally warn­ing of the attack doesn’t count either.)
  • Social Secu­rity, Mei­d­care, pub­lic school­ing, pub­lic libraries, fire depart­ments, police depart­ments and the US Mil­i­tary are as Amer­i­can as Apple Pie — uni­ver­sal health­care is ZOMGDEATHPANELSOCIALISM!!
  • George W Bush is a reg­u­lar ‘olé Texas rancher just like you and me despite the fact that he was born in Con­necti­cut, attended two Ivy League schools, bought the Craw­ford ranch just before run­ning for pres­i­dent, sold it imme­di­ate after leav­ing office and is ter­ri­fied of horses.
  • The two guys at the cen­ter of the Water­gate and Iran-Contra scan­dals are trust­wor­thy voices in dis­cus­sions of cur­rent national pol­icy and should be taken at face-value.

…and my addi­tion that I heard some time back on twit­ter and still quote to this day:

  • Gay Mar­riage is a crime against nature but Tur­ducken is OK??
  • Fol­low up:
    I loved this bit of video from MSNBC that sums up how I’m feel­ing about a great deal of Amer­ica these days:

    2 Comments

    2 Comments to “Things Only a Republican Could Believe”

    1. AvatarWest End Bob
      1

      Good stuff, espe­cially the Tur­ducken one ! ! ! !

    2. AvatarMelissa
      2

      Rock on! That’s great!

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